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Diciembre 30 2007 Domingo
Maybe I am ready to write about the past holiday shenanigans. My brother arrived in town the thursday before Christmas. My mom's side of the family all decided to meet for dinner on friday night. Roger and I arrived at the restaurant a few minutes after 7 pm. With my mom's side of the family that is already considered late. We were supposed to be there by 7 pm not 5 minutes after 7 pm. Everyone had already sat down and I noticed that there were not two empty seats next to each other. They made Roger and I sit apart. They tried to explain it as there were origionally not enough seats at the table and that two chairs had to be pulled up after everyone else had sat down. Everyone who had been on time that is. Instead of my mom moving over to sit next to my dad and allowing Roger and I to sit next to each other they corraled Roger into sitting next to my mom and my dad corraled me in to sitting next to him. So my grandparents were sitting together and my aunt, uncle, and cousin were sitting next to each other, my brother was sitting on the left side of my father, I was sitting on the right side of my father, to my right sat my mother and on my mother's right sat Roger. My mother was sitting between us. Why had they made us sit apart? Was it just to mess with us and be manipulative? Who knows. I definatly did not understand why my father had made me sit next to me. I will expalin this futher later.

My mother's side of the family are um how do I put this, well, some of them have control issues. They have to have control just to have it not because it really matters what happens or that they want something to be a certain way to make it special. They just need to have control probably to avoid some emotional issue that they have been avoiding their whole life. Displacement. They all have to pick on each other. No one says anything nice about anyone. Everything is said in a passive aggressive way. When they pick on you they don't even give you a chance to respond and say a sentence explaining why you chose to do what you did. You probably have a logical reason. They don't want to hear it.

For example Roger and I did not put up a Christmas tree in our apartment. It is our first Christmas living togehter. Neither one of us is really into christmas nor are we very religious in a christianity sense. To us Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year are a time to celebrate with family and friends and cherish the moments we have together. It is about being together. I don't care at all about the gifts. It is nice to receive them but better to give them and better still to avoid the whole thing and sit down and hang out with some family and friends and really get to know them and how they have evolved over the last year. Right so back to the Christmas tree issue, my mom made fun of Roger and I's not having a Christmas tree in our apartment almost every chance she got. She never let me explain the fact that for Christmas Eve we would be at my grandmother's (her mother's) house during the day and then we would be at my Aunt's (my father's side) until very late. We would then be at my mother's house all day on Christmas. She had wanted us to come over at 11 am but I told her our christmas gift to each other was going to see the movie Alien Vs. Predator 2 Requiem at the 11:30 am showing. I had tried to explain how I had chosen this time since she had said Christmas day dinner would be at 3 pm and the 11:30 showing would be dont in time not to interfeer and this particular showing would only cost 5$ entery instead of the 9.50$. She was very annoyed with us that we would not be able to be there early at 11 am to open presents with my brother Tom, his wife Lauren, my father and her. I am glad we went to the 11:30 am showing because if we had planned to go after Christmas dinner at 3 pm we would have never made it as we did not leave my parents house until 10pm that day. So I did not understand why it was so strange we did not have a tree in our apartment since you put up the Christmas tree for Christmas and we would only be at our apartment to sleep during the holiday. It's like putting up a tree and then leaving town. She would hear none of this. My mother's side of the family expresses themselves by picking and making fun. That is fine and all. Make fun of me if you need to in order to make yourself feel better. I like myself and my life and what I am doing. The frustrating part is that they give you no opportunity to reply. It is like they run up to you and hit you in the arm and then run away. They only give you enough time to start to say three words just so they can assure themselves that they got under your skin.

The only way to deal with it is to just ignore it and ignore them when they want to make fun of me. I don't like ignoring them. It feels so childish but there really is no way to handle it. Talking about it openly is not going to happen. They would never admit that it was this bad and I never get a full sentence out of my mouth without some one attacking. My only was of copeing now is by knowing that in a year and a half when Roger has finished nursing school we will move to Puerto Rico and I will start my masters program and we will live too far from them to see them very frequently. I just try to cherish the time I have with them even if it is while they are making fun of me.

The one incident that really hurt me on the friday night dinner was a conversation with my father. I really should say lack of conversation with my father. I can not recall the exact way that I tried to start the conversation with my father. I was trying to tell him about my linux project that I am chronicalling here and also on my tarraguna site here. He did not even listen to me complete a whole sentence. I was trying to talk and tell him and he kept saying stop and then he gave the excuse that my mom always talks about work. I started to say how it isnt work it is a fun project that I am doing...but he kept interupting and saying stop and then he just ignored me so I stopped. I was so shocked by his rudeness. Complete strangers who do not know a thing about me would at least pretend to listen to a little of my project. It took more time to tell me to not talk about it than it would have taken me to explain what I was working on. I just sat there shocked. Looking back I wish I would have just stoop up and left. I remembered all those years playing golf just to be around my father. All the things that I pretended to like just to be around him went unnoticed.

A lot of little things happened over that Christmas holiday that really pissed me off. I find that I can not express anger around my family. I chalk it up to the many times my father told me I was being over sensative as a child when I would actually express myself. Luckily I would just hide in the bathroom and talk to myself instead of burying it deep inside myself. I find that I can express myself with Roger just fine and I do ok with expressing mysefl with friends. I get better at it as I get older. Sometimes I just don't tell people they piss me off because I think to myself why would they care if they pissed me off. I guess sometimes expressing anger makes yourself feel balenced and sometimes it sets up boundries in relationships. I guess that is all I have to write about the friday before Christmas. While talking to my friend Jeff about the frustrations he said I should express myself other wise one day I will just erupt. He also said why worry about it if they are not concerned about it. Roger has used this before only he states is as something like in relationships he will put in what they will put in and if they stop then it's time to move on. It is somewhat easy to do this with friends. It is a little harder to do it with family. I don't want to be one of those people who isnt talking to their family. They didn't beat me and we always had food to eat and cloths to wear.

I will have to write about the other Christmas holiday events later.

Diciembre 29 2007 Sabado
Roger and I ate at the whataburger today in Destin, Florida. I had never been there before and it had been a very long time since I had eaten at the burger and fries type of fast food place. It was good. It was like the McDonald's of my childhood before "supersize" and the out of control portion sizes of today. It was like back when fast food was good and not just shoveling as much crap in your face as you can because you feel like you just have to consume all while multi tasking on a blackberry. We arrived yesterday. Today we did a whole lot of lounging. The value of doing nothing should never be underestimated. There is wireless internet at the condo. I am keeping my websites up to date and Roger is playing Halo3 and Call of Duty 4 on xbox live. It has been a good day of nothingness that brings a lot of clarity after the last few weeks of holiday/family stress. When I spend time alone I really understand the fact that when it is all said and done the only opinion that should matter is your own. You are the one who has to live with yourself forever so why be so concerned with what other people think or looking for their approval. This is especially true for family and espcially parents.

27 Diciembre 2007 Jueves Thursday Donnerstag
Today is the last day that I have to work before my vacation. I have a head cold and the monthly visitor arrived today. I am not feeling too good. I have a lot that I need to write but I just don't know where to start....I just found a neat website here. I have got to remember to look through it later.

26 Diciembre 2007 MiŽcoles Wednesday Mittwoch
Christmas is over, I am back at work and I feel more relaxed.