kyle dugan geradeaus hasta la muerte

email me at kyl3@inbox.com to receive the new website address if you would like to keep up.

while ridding in a plane or a car for an extended amount of time you really experience the limited number in possible seating positions

i really enjoy vacaciones.

I sit down to write the last few days and I either want to write one sentence or an entire novel.  Neither  one I fear will accurately express my hurt nor my frustration.  I am not refering to that "no one could ever understand my pain" type of sentiment.  I mean to say that usually through writing I gain some persepctive of the situation and find some sort of solution or some way to deal/ cope with the situations that I can not solve and or change.  This one I think has no solution/ change or resolution. 

Sometimes I just don’t want to mess with the facade.  Words come out of my mouth all unfiltered.  I say what I think just not in a very diplomatic tone or with diplomatic words.

It has been a couple of days since my last post.  I do not know what I was doing that took me away from you.  I was tring to make sure that all of my web sites have appropriate meta tags.  It is time consuming but not 4 days worth.

I have continued with my running.  I did not run over the weekend due to the snow storm, my more html class, and the holiday party at Colleen’s house.  Yesterday I went running and took mi compañero with me.  It was his first time back running.  He was feeling it.  I told him that it gets better if you keep it up wich I will make him do due to the fact that we really need to get in tip top shape for the future surfing career in Puerto Rico.

It has been busy and will be busy due to the the holidays.  Sometimes I am glad when it is over.  Having 3 and 4 places to visit on Christmas Eve and then another 2 places to visit on Christmas day really gets in the way of my concept of zen and balance and just enjoying anything at all.  Trying to make everyone happy only makes everyone upset and keeps me to busy to enjoy myself.  I guess I do it because I know one day very soon (in year 2009) we will live quite far away and then later we will have kids and we will do this  "christmas rush and try to visit everyone thing" very infrequently.

I have been tempted to tell them that I am really much more buddhist than christian and besides the commercial extortian of the christian holiday christmas has really gotten out of control.  Sometimes I just want to boycott the whole thing.  Can’t we just get together to get together for no other reason than to get together?  This does make my control freak friends/family members nervous to not have the rituals to grasp on tightly to with white knuckles.

This year I have decided that since I will spend the two days running around like crazy visiting everyone and trying to make everyone happy I will also do something for myself and mi compañero.  We both have really been looking forward to seeing the movie Alien versus Predator 2 Requium.  Since its release is Christmas day we plan to see it Christmas day at some point in time.  This will probably make everyone upset.  Hey they were going to be anyway.  Everyone can’t have the party at the same time and expect everyone to be there. 

I had sushi for lunch today.  Check out my plate here.

I once found myself in the wrong country at the wrong time.  I knew that I was in the wrong country at the wrong time because I was suddenly surrounded by military men who the split second that I had made contact with one of them a bag was placed over my head and everything went black.  I knew that I was in the wrong country but I wish that I knew which one I was in at the time of the kidnaping.  Knowing this might assist me in trying to talk/ bribe/ manipulate my way out of the situation.  I was somewhere between Croatia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, and Montenegro.  I was backpacking with some friends and when I had woken up that morning they were all gone.  As I was investigating and trying to figure out where they could have gone (some pubs might be still open at that hour) I was nabbed. Anyway back to the blackness.  I don’t know for who long I was out but when I finally woke up I had the worst headache, I was starving, I was freezing and I had all kinds of small cuts on my body similar to paper cuts but a little bigger.  Oh yea I was also in a room that was really just a concrete box with a small locked door on one wall.  Since I had no windows I had no idea  if it was day or night.  I had no concept of time passing.  They had taken my wrist watch from me.  I had a little laugh thinking about that.  It was one of those watches that was hard to set and I had left it on the timezone of Ireland.  I hope it frustrated the hell out of them.  First they beat me with their fists.  I was blindfolded so I could not tell how many of them there were but there were at least three men.  They kept asking me things.  I could not understand the language.  I would catch a Russian word here and there but it was not Russian they were speaking.  I also thought I caught a few Spanish words but maybe that was me trying to comfort myself.  I wish I could tell them what they wanted to hear thinking that if I could then they would let me go.  Then this desire turned to anger and I wished I could communicate with them just to tell them how much I would haunt them after they murdered me and how miserable I would make there every existance.  I would have these profound day dreams of me inflicting pain on them.  I would visualize it with more and more details and imagined what it would feel like hitting them with my fist.  The day dream got so complex that I could smell their blood.  At least I had convinced myself it was their blood and not my own.  They had grown tired of the beatings and had chosen to pull all of my fingernails and toenails out.  They did each one so slowly.  It was agony.  They never allowed the pain to get so intense that I passed out.  They were profesionals.  I wanted to tell them that they could never kill me and that no matter how much they pushed me I would not tell them what they wanted to know.  They were going to rape me but I had the presence of mind to tell them I had HIV.  They said something and I asume it meant  "you better not be lying to us because we will get a medic here to draw blood and run a test."  And my asumtion was confirmed when some time later, a day, a week, a month, a year the medic came and drew blood.  I can not remember what they did next.  It hurt.  It all hurt. Then it just blended more and more together.  Everything started to run together.  Was I being tortured or was I torturing some one else?  Was this pain or was this pleasure that I feel?  My skin was so dirty and bloody I could not see my freckles anymore.  I started to wonder if there was going to be an end to this.  Death or release it started not to matter which one I just wanted it to end. I was taken carefully to an outdoor shower.  I was undressed.  Undress in that what was left of my cloths, the rags, were taken off.  Then I was put under the lukewarm water.  I thought I had died.  Shampoo was being put in my hair and massaged around.  Then conditioner was put in.  Then all the dirt and blood and the layer of not bathing for some time was all scrubbed off with soap.  It was actually me bathing myself that whole time but it did not feel like it.  It felt foreign to have my own hands touch my clean smooth skin.  When I opened my eyes and turned around there was a set of jeans and a shirt waiting for me.  I got dressed.  A short man in a suit walked up to me.  He seemd so out of place in the wilderness.  He told me to sit down.  He spoke to me in German.  Thank goodness someone spoke one of the languages I know.  He explained that the blood test had come back and that they knew I had lied about having HIV.  "Oh shit", I thought to myself.  But what more could they do.  I guess they could rape me.  That was the last area that I had domain over.  He continued talking.  He explained there had been a mix up and that it was not me or my friends that they were suposed to capture and torture.  He apologized in a tone and manner as if he had merely mixed up my deposit at the bank and that everything would be worked out and it would only take a moment.  I just "realized" that I was dead and proceded to pass out and shit my pants at the same time.  I regained consciousness while on a flight with the destination of London.  I looked around me and it was a typical comercial airplane.  All around me were business travelers and families on holiday.  I felt a jolt as we first touched down in the process of landing.  Then I woke up. It was all a dream.  But it felt so real.  It felt so real that I feel weird like if I look down at my fingers I half expect my fingernails not to be there.

I just have post this.  I am always misspelling words when I wright in English.  It is hard language.  But check this out.  You probably have seen this before.

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it

I never researched the "Cambrige Research Study" that is mentioned in this entry.  I doubt it really exists but I always thought it neat that you could read it.  Spelling correctly is not the be all end all of eternity.

I updated the template for TarraguÑa so pretty much every page has been slightly updated.  I added some more links in the English section.  I really need to add some hard core content but I have been so focused on the design and layout and learning HTML CSS Dreamweaver Flash etc etc.  It really takes a long time to create a web site.  Maybe if you did not have a 40 to 45 hour work week that cramped your style it would be easier.

i constantly misspell the word tomorrow.  i always spell it as tomarrow. i wonder what that means. is it the way that i think the word should be spelled as its pronounced that way in some dialects? or is it that i think tomorrow i.e. the future is a-ok.  never underestimate the ability to interpret everything differently.

i remember the first time i saw the internet and really got to play on it by myself.  i had used it some in high school but that was in the late 94-98  when not every household or small high school library had computers.  i remember using the lisa by apple but only for writing papers.  we got the internet set up in my house in like 96 or so and i remember trying to use the computer just to write papers for classes was a huge ordeal.  We only had one computer and my dad had decided that he was the only one who really had a right to use it.  he was always on it planing financial stuff.  i thought this was comical because it was my mom who got it, set it up and made it function.  she works in computers and writes programs etc etc.  i asume that after working all day on a computer the last thing she wanted to do was come home and use the computer.  in this respect i guess she let my dad control it since she really did not want anything to do with it at home. anyway my computer use during those times was limited to trying to type a paper in microsoft word as fast as possible with my dad over my shoulder bugging me about when i thought i was going to be done. 

it was a different story when i moved into my tiny dorm room at university.  it was august of 1998 and i had my little compaq presario laptop.  the ethernet connection was available through the university for "no cost" if you lived in the dorms.  (i asume the added any cost into "room & board") it was amazing.  i had to have my RA assist me in setting up the ethernet connection but when it finally connected and i brough up a web site it was like my eyes had been opened after having been blind my whole life.  ok, well it probably was not that drastic.  

it was friday about 7 or so when i first got my very own internet connection hooked up.  I remember the time because about that same time some girls from the floor i lived on came by to invite my room mate and i to go out to try to get in to some local pubs.  my room mate passed on the offer. she had to go to the library to study.  she was an engineering major on some type of scholarship full or partial that depended on her grades.  bad grades would mean that she would have to go home.  she told me she did not want to have to go home to the reservation.  she liked it fine and all she just wanted to not "have" to go back there. she said she got picked on because she was not "dark" enough.  we might need a whole other entry for that…

anyway so my friends invited me to go out on a friday night but i declined so that i could stay in my dorm room and explore this new internet thing.  it was a good decision.  there is a limit to how many times you can go out and watch people drink too much, start fights and just be out of control of themselves.  staying in on a friday night probably makes me a nerd.  i like it.  besides going out on the weekend is for amateurs.

Sometimes when I over analyze too much and try to figure out what the possible errors or mistakes would be if hypthetically I made one decision over another I like to remind myself how immense the universe is and how small and insignificant I am in comparison.  I do not want to say that I don’t matter but putting things in perspective always makes a decision much easier.  Sometimes you have to follow Nike and just do it rather than comtemplate the thought of doing.  Contemplation con go on for an eternity.

I went running again last night and it was great.  If felt a lot better then the first day.  I just need to keep it up.  I already notice a difference.  When I look in the mirror I appear to be more alive.

regresò al entrenar.  I used to run 7 miles 4-5 times a week. I had started at running 3 miles when I was 11 and as I would push to run harder, faster, and longer my runnings got longer and longer.  At one point my full time job and full time university student existance were battling with my running career.  For fear of escalating out of control with no job, no university classes, no friends and running 15 miles a day I  sort of let my work/university/social life win and I stopped running.  I started running again yesterday.  I began with 1.1 miles.  It was just enough to feel the runner’s high and just long enough to show me how out shape I am.  It was great.  Going for a run today was not possible due to the downpour that coincided with my finishing my day at the office to go running. 

I started reading a funny book called "Round Ireland with a Fridge" by Tony Hawks.  It is briliant.  The author chronicles his adventure of hitch-hiking around the circumfranse of Ireland with a fridge.  I can not wait to read the part in the book where he reaches my hometown of Galway.  Right now I am reading the part where he is in Sligo.

I checked out these websites today. 

advogato a little over my head and for open source software designers/ developers
del.icio.us a neat website to store your bookmarks on so you can take them anywhere.
faves another website for storing bookmarks.  I have not tried this one yet.
migente a social networking site like facebook and myspace but for "latinos".  I hope having some Spanish ancestry qualifies me.
tribe I still have got to dig in a litte more to this one.
TIG taking it global I also have to devot some more time to this site.  It looks really neat in a change the world kind of way.

I have researched podcasting.  I have been thinking of adding it to my Tarraguña website. We will see what happens.  First I need to acquire a microphone and preferably a neat microphone headphone headset combination so I can look official in my apartment trying to do podcasts.  Anyway here is a neat site about the basics of podcasting.

I have been experimenting with a lot of email addresses lately.  One is probably not much better than any other.  Just like with a movile phone no matter how many neat programs it has if I don’t have coverage for a phone call then it is just a fancy paper weight.  Anyway below is the list of email addresses that I have had.  Just to clear things up kyle@tarraguna.com is my main email address.  If for some reason that address brings you back an undeliverable reply then I have kyletarraguna@aol.com as my secondary / back up email.

kyledugantarraguna@gmx.de
kyle.odubhagain@terra.es
kyledugantarraguna@comcast.net
kyle.odubhagain@aol.es
kyledugan@hotmail.com
kyle.dugan@gmail.com
tarraguna@yahoo.com
tarraguna@aol.com
tarraguna@mexico.com
edugan@montana.edu
edugan@iupui.edu
ekdugan@uni-oldenburg.de
ekdugan@uni-graz.at
ekdugant@uh.cu.edu

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Betty said today "he was doomed from the start".  She said this about her new romantic interest.  Today is Friday and their first date/ outing/ togetherness time without other people was the Monday before.  I would guess 5 days to be not long enough time to make any sort of conclusions unless of course he was abusive verbally or physically or you had already walked in on him in bed with someone else but none of that has happened.  The new love interest seems nice, cute, and intelligent and he seems to liker her and more importantly he seems to be able to express this and act like he likes her unlike the previous one.

When I pressed her for an explanation she said she does not have the butterflies in her stomach feeling.  Since she has previously told me that her longest relationship before the unresponsive one was only for the duraction of 2 months I felt obliged to spit some wisdom to her.  This wisdom comes from having had longer relationships and I guess being a few years older.  I do not mean to sound condescending at all.  I applaud her short relationships.  Why stay when it isn’t fun anymore or when you know you couldn’t see yourself married to the guy.  I merely wish to pass on what I have learned from having had a relationship evolve into the unbeleivable one that I have now.  I also want to offer an alternative to the butterflies in the stomachness.

Butterflies are not just beautiful insects.  There is a lot of symbolism surrounding them.  From my own experience the butterflies in the stomach that I felt in a relationship I also felt just before I was about to do something risky or adventurous.  They always showed up the first times I kissed anyone.  After the beginning that evolved into something else.  When I had figured out that the guy was a jerk/ inconsiderate/ emotionally unavailable/ narcissistic/ mean/ a waste of time guy the butterflies ceased to exist because I was not nervous with this guy.  I didn’t care what he thought about me or how he would react if I kissed him.  I didn’t want to kiss him.  I didn’t even want to be around him.  I started to feel a weight in my stomach.  It was the dead butterflies.  I had to get away from him and open my stomach up and let them out.

Sometimes the situation was not that abrupt.  Sometimes there was a span of time where I was trying to figure out what was going on in the guy’s head.  A few of them had a real "coming and going" existance.  They would be there and available and then they would be lost and I had to find them again.  Is it really that difficult to be present 100% of the time.  This was really a waste of time trying to figure these guys out.  How do you communicate with someone who isn’t honest with themself?

Anyway to my current butterfly situation, I don’t get that butterflies in the stomach feeling when I kiss him.  I don’t get that feeling because I am not nervous to kiss him or be around him.  I know he will kiss me back.  I know he is excited to see me, to hear what I have to say, to give me a big hug.  I am also excited to see him and talk to him and hug him.  In fact everyday when I come home from work I leave work feeling tired and numb.  The closer I get to my door the faster my strut becomes until I am holding back the need to start sprinting, fater, faster until I take to flight.  I feel so much kinetic energy just as I reach the door knob to open the door.  There is no feeling of the "butterflies in the stomach" because I am the butterfly.

I did not do that much work on my webistes today but these are the websites I updated today.
http://www.gradschoolinpuertorico.com/livingarrangements.html
http://www.gradschoolinpuertorico.com/estimate1.html
http://www.gradschoolinpuertorico.com/investigatetheprofesors.html
http://www.gradschoolinpuertorico.com/escojelauniversidad.html
 

I have my "more Dreamweaver" class tonight.  I am really excited about it.  I already took the intro to Dreamweaver course and it was just that an intro.  I hope to get my web sites looking more dynamic.

I ate a large pear today. Now I feel too full for my lunch.  Oh well I can save it for later. 

So here are the cln classes that I am interested in taking during the spring semester.  I have completed my Bachelors Degree and I am 2 years from starting my PhD.  I take these classes because I am a nerd and like to learn.  It does not help either that I am bored/unchallenged and having my talents go to waste at my current employer and mi compañero is still finishing up his Bachelor’s degree and studying all of the time.  We both study in our togetherness.

I am interested in computers and languages. 
Chinese (Mandarin) II 14:30-17:30 Wednesdays 16 Jan. - 5 Mar.
Intro to Web Design 8:30-17:30 Saturday 2 Feb.
Intro to Photoshop 17:30-21:30 Tuesdays 14 Feb. - 21 Feb.
Intro to C#.NET 8:30-17:00 Saturdays 16 Feb. - 23 Feb.
Intro to Java Programing 18:00- 21:00 Mondays 18 Feb. - 24 Mar.
French II 18:00-20:30 Tuesdays 25 Mar. - 6 May
Arabic I 18:30-20:30 Wednesdays 19 Mar. - 7 May
Intro to Excel Visual Basic for Applications VBA 18:00-21:00 Thursdays 10 April - 1 May
Japanese I 18:30-20:30 Thursdays 17 April - 22 May

I have not decided on all of these just yet.  We will see….

I chronicled my experiemnt here http://www.tarraguna.com/linuxpreparate.html.  I did a lot research.  I bought a cheap Dell pentium 3.  I did a lot of reading about Linux and while I know more than when I started I really don’t know what I am doing with this experiment.  I downloaded various iso by Ubuntu downloaded here while reading the forums here and I also tried the other various versions kubuntu, edubuntu, xubuntu but I did not try the gobuntu.  It was not available when I started this.  I really liked this Ubuntu distro of Linux but when I tried each of these the live CD worked OK but when I tried to install as my OS it only got to 15% of the install each time and then it would get stuck.  I tried various ways of burning the CD and even followed Ubuntu’s directions but it just did not work. 

While seaching this term "Linux" along with Ubuntu the distros by Red Hat and Debian were also mentioned so I also did the same reserch investigation with Debian.  I went here and downloaded the 4.0 version iso.  This did not work either.  The Debian forums are not as developed as the Ubuntu forms so I was not too disappointed that the Debian distro did not work. 

Instead of continuing to hit my head against a brick wall I decided to go ahead and buy a book.  I had seen one the night before at Frye’s while I was there looking at wireless headphones for the T.V. so mi compañero can study in peace and quiet while I watch T.V.  So anyways I decided to buy this one here, the Debian GNU/Linux 3.1 Bible.  It seemed to be the most informative as far as the book went.  Also many of the other Linux books contained DVD distros and the system that I was installing Linux onto only had a CD Rom so that also limited my choices. 

I was able to install Debian GNU Linux 3.1 but the CD only has the basics as I read that now the entire Debian GNU Linux system has 13 total install CDs if you want the enire OS and software package.  Back to the basics it is really basic.  So basic that I do not have any idea what I am doing.  I just follow the book a little.  I now how to add files or take away files. I must add that when I say basic I mean basic there is no GUI (graphic user interface) it is all CLI (command line interface) and the main problem with that is that I do not know any commands… well  I now know a few…. oh and all those syntax errors are coming back to me from when I first touched a computer as kid in the 80s.  I envision that I will learn a lot about computing through my Linux project. 

My favorite singer-performer is Olga Tañon and I usually try to check out her Forums at univision.  I found some fun scans of her here.

 Me encanta la música de la Olga Tañón.  Los foros tiene much infomactión y encontré algunos scans aqui.

I am consolidating all my blogs into this one.  It was getting to be too much to try to post on each one each day.  Today is Wednesday and the only T.V. that I really make an effort to watch weekly is on at 9 pm and it is called Criminal Minds.  I love it.  I did a little work on my websites but not really.  I worked a little on www.anochezca.com but I could not get the flash file to cooperate.

Welcome to your new blog. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!

An email has been sent to you giving you details of how to log in to the administration section. From there you can change the design by clicking on the tab MANAGE and then click on the tab THEMES. If you have any questions, ask them in the forums — we are only too willing to help.