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While I was walking to another stand I caught the glimps of an old friend. I quickly turned and pretended not to see her. Besides, did I really see her at all? Ok, yea it was her and she would totally go to the Radiohead concert. I guess I turned away because I did not want her to see me. Then she would feel obligated to be all “hi, how is it all going? what are you doing here?” and I really hate the fake conversations. Part of me would feel obligated to continue the facade. The other part would want to reply “uh, why did you come over and talk to me. You have been unresponsive to emails, phone calls, and text messages sending the message we are no longer friends, so why make the effort now?”

It has been about a year since I last talked to her. I am over it but I will never understand why she had to be so careless with my feelings and with our friendship. We were good friends for a long time then she changed. She stoped contacting me. I was the one always calling her to hang out. Then one day she told me about how one time lately she had been feeling so down that she almost ended it all. I asked her why had she not called me. She did not have a reply. She internalized and analyzed everything.

I confronted her about not making an effort and she said sorry yada yada she didn’t realize she was doing it and that she would work on it. But nothing changed and then it became a pattern; her not making an effort, me confronting it, her saying sorrry yada yada. Then I decided to let it go and see if I never called her would she call me? She did not. So after a year I called and we hung out. Frankly I was surprised that she answered the phone and then on top of that she suggested we hang out. Right so then we hung out and talked a while. I remember spectulating to myself that maybe the reason that she was so depressed was due to the fact that she was so self absorbed. I mean she brushed off the fact that we had not see each other in a year and then she started talking about all the stuff she was thinking about. It was not even that fun hanging out. She was so oblivious to us as a communicative unit; our friendship; the moments ticking by as they happened while we existed in that moment. She was somewhere else.

Yea, so I guess I made an effort to avoid seeing her at the Radiohead concert because I knew that she was always somewhere else. She was not present talking to me when she was talking to me. She was a shell. We probably were never really friends. I know that is a depressing way to end it but if I am truly honest with myself I will say that my life got a lot better without her in it. She always had a way of being a sucking consuming force.

Not all old friends should stay in the past. There are some that I would love to run in it. Just not this one.

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